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Understanding Asian American Shame

Updated: Nov 7

Shame is a powerful emotion that affects everyone, but for many Asian Americans, shame is intertwined with cultural expectations, familial pressures, and societal structures. Addressing and overcoming shame is an important part of Asian American mental well being. Let’s explore what shame means in the Asian American context and strategies to heal from it.


What Is Shame?

Shame is more than just feeling guilty about something bad that we’ve done; it is deeper than that. Shame is a painful emotion that tells us that we are fundamentally flawed or inadequate. It can stem from personal actions or be internalized from societal and cultural expectations. For Asian Americans, shame is amplified by Asian cultural values and Asian social norms.


1. Cultural Expectations: Asian culture places a high value on familial honor, academic success, financial security, social reputation, and professional achievement. Failing to meet these expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy, not being enough, being an imposter, and shame.


2. Generational Gaps: First-generation Asian immigrants and their children often experience a clash between traditional Asian values and western American ideals. The tension between respecting family traditions and pursuing individual desires can create a sense of shame when either family or personal expectations aren’t met.


3. Stereotyping and Racism: The perpetual foreigner stereotype, the model minority myth, and other forms of discrimination Asian Americans face in the U.S., can contribute to feelings of shame. Asian Americans might feel like they don’t belong or are not fully accepted in their communities.


4. Internalized Racism: Growing up in a Majority/Minority dynamic, certain racial biases are prevalent and can lead to internalized shame. Individuals can feel they are less than and that they must conform to stereotypes or hide their true selves.


5. Shaming: Instead of open communication, assertive and direct instruction, many Asian parents practice passive aggressive shaming. Due to many factors such as language barriers and a low frustration tolerance, Asian parents may resort to shaming their children instead of teaching their children how to learn from their mistakes and failures. Asian American children already feel bad for their inadequacies, and their Asian parents add on to this by shaming their children.


Strategies for Overcoming Shame


1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings: The first step in overcoming shame is to recognize and accept the feeling of shame. Understand that feeling shame is a natural response. Acknowledging shame is the beginning of healing. Identify where your feelings of shame come from, and the ways your Asian parents shamed you.


2. Reach out: Talking to a friend who understands these cultural nuances and can walk alongside you to provide insights and coping strategies. Social support groups with shared experiences can also offer comfort and validation.


3. Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Identify and challenge negative thoughts about yourself. Our thoughts and mindset are powerful, so practice reframing negative thoughts to be more balanced and positive.


4. Cultivate Self-Confidence: Learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Self-confidence involves acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and that your worth isn’t defined by your failures.


5. Re-evaluate Cultural Expectations: Reflect on which cultural values are meaningful to you and which may be contributing to your shame. Hold onto the values that you want to live out and let go of the values that you no longer agree with. Redefining your values and expectations can relieve shame and undue pressure.


6. Integrate Your Identity: Embrace all aspects of your identity, including your cultural background. Being proud of who you are and where you come from can help dismantle internalized shame.


7. Engage in Open Dialogue: Have honest conversations with family members about expectations, values, and personal struggles. Bridge generational gaps and reduce feelings of rejection, invalidation, isolation be being in communication with your family members.


8. Find Healthy Outlets: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether it’s creative expression, physical activity, nature, or helping others, finding healthy outlets can improve self-esteem and resilience.


For Asian Americans, addressing their shame means navigating cultural complexities while prioritizing their mental health. By acknowledging shame, seeking support, challenging negative self-talk, and embracing one’s identity, healing becomes a life giving journey. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and it’s okay to ask for help along the way. Embrace your worth and find a path that aligns with your values and identity.

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