How to love instead of being Performative

“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." Matthew 6:1-4

Being performative in a relationship means acting in ways that are meant to appear loving, kind, or committed—without those actions necessarily being rooted in genuine love for the person. Being performative is rooted in selfishness and counter to considering the interest of others. It's like playing a role or putting on a show to be perceived a certain way, rather than engaging authentically for the mutual edification of a relationship.

What is being Performative in a relationship?

Saying the “right” things but not really meaning them.

Doing gestures (like buying gifts, posting on social media, saying "I love you", doing tasks) more for appearances than connection.

Trying to avoid conflict by people pleasing instead of speaking honestly.

Acting from fear or for your image rather than from love and truth.

You might say "Nothing's wrong," "I'm fine" when you're not, just to keep the peace. You post sweet anniversary messages online even when you're feeling distant from your partner.

What's wrong with being Performative?

It creates emotional disconnection.

You’re not being your real self, so real intimacy is impossible.

It builds resentment.

You may feel unseen or like you're faking things. It misleads your partner.

They’re reacting to a version of you that isn’t fully true.

It blocks growth.

Hard conversations and vulnerability are needed to build a relationship.

Performative behavior avoids real issues that need to be addressed.

It erodes trust.

When the mask slips, the partner may feel confused or betrayed.

Why are we Performative?

Fear of rejection : “If I show the real me, they might not love me.”

People-pleasing: We’ve been conditioned to prioritize others’ feelings over our own.

Cultural pressure: Society, family, or religion set certain “ideals" of love and marriage.

Trauma: Past experiences taught us to protect ourselves by not being fully known.

Insecurity: Low self-esteem leads one to think this is the only way to act.

Low emotional awareness: We don’t know what we’re feeling or how to express it.

How do you address being Performative?

1. Self-awareness. Ask yourself: What am I really feeling? Why am I saying this? Journal, pray, or talk to a trusted mentor to expose this unhealthy behavior.

2. Root causes. Instead of beating yourself up for being performative, explore where it comes from. Were you taught that being vulnerable was unsafe? Are you being selfish? Are you protecting yourself? Are you being controlling?

3. Learn to tolerate discomfort. Real honesty feels risky. Your flaws will be exposed. Practice sharing small vulnerable truths even if it’s scary.

4. Practice authenticity. Express your thoughts, needs, fears, and feelings, even imperfectly. Sharing honestly builds trust.

5. Receive love. Engage with a safe relationship to unpack patterns of fear, people-pleasing, and trauma.

How to truly love in a relationship

1. Safe connection. Create an environment where both people can be themselves without fear by asking for permission and withholding judgment.
   

2. Emotional honesty. Share your real thoughts, desires, and feelings, even the messy ones.
   

3. Grace and humility. Allow room for imperfection and growth.

   
   

4. Mutual respect and curiosity. Ask, “What’s really going on with you?” Listen.

   
   

5. Live together towards shared values, not just a shared image. Focus on your character more than what the relationship “looks like.”

Being performative is about managing appearances instead of building real connection. We do it to protect ourselves, but it leaves us lonely and disconnected. Healing from being performative means learning to be real, vulnerable, and honest.

Being performative in our relationship with God happens when we do “Christian things” for the sake of appearance, obligation, and self-righteousness rather than out of being rooted in the Gospel.

What does it mean to be performative towards God?

Religious actions without heart-dependence on Christ.

Read the Bible or pray to check a box or impress others.

Serve in church to gain approval or control, not out of love.

Appear morally good but resist being truly known or changed by God.

Trust in your “resume” instead of God’s mercy and grace.

You might “clean the outside of the cup,” but your heart feels distant.

White washed tombs

What is wrong with being performative towards God?

Being performative towards God is rooted in self-righteousness. You're trying to save yourself by your own merits. You still want to be in control. You are still living for yourself, trusting in what you do instead of what Christ has done.

It robs you of intimacy with God. God wants your heart, not just your habits.

It leads to spiritual pride or burnout: either boasting in yourself or collapsing under pressure to perform.

It can deceive you: you may look faithful on the outside, but may be in fact far from God.

How do you repent of being Performative?

1. Confess specifically and honestly. Admit the ways you’ve used God as a means to your end, whether it’s your reputation, security, or self-justification.

“Lord, I have been trusting in myself. I am self-righteous. I’ve wanted control, self praise, and self-image more than your glory and intimacy with You. Forgive me.”

2. Acknowledge your need for God. You can’t fix your heart by trying harder. Ask God to change your heart.

“Lord, I can’t love You unless You help me. Give me a real, dependent heart.”

3. Look to Jesus. Let go of trying to earn God’s love. Return to the cross, where Jesus already did everything necessary to cover your sin, pride, fear, and fakeness.

“Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to Thy cross I cling.” Rock of Ages

4. Die to yourself. The Gospel frees you to be weak and real. Ask God to strip away the performance so you can truly worship, not try to impress.

What are practical steps we can take to truly love Jesus, and not be performative?

1. Preach the Gospel to yourself:

   1. “I am not saved by my goodness. Jesus loves me fully and completely already.”

   2. Am I doing this to glorify God—or protect my image?

   3. Am I depending on God's grace—or my own strength?

2. Come to Jesus. Don’t aim for impressive spiritual acts. Aim to be close to Christ.

3. Read Scripture to see God, not just gain knowledge.

4. Pray to talk with God, not just ask.

5. Obey out of God's love, not performance.

6. Surround yourself with people who love Jesus and will call you back to God's grace, not performance.

7. Worship God for who He is.

You don’t need to perform for the God who already knows and loves you completely. He doesn’t want your perfection—He wants your heart.